In our journey of compassion, today I wanted to speak to having compassion for people we find challenging. And this could be even a loved one that we care for greatly, who at times we find quite difficult. We have compassion for that difficult side of them, the part we find difficult. This could also include just generally people who irritate you, people you see as harmful or distasteful or maybe even someone who has overtly harmed you.

All of these people are in this terrain of, oh, can I find compassion for this being? And right off the bat, I want to say compassion doesn't really work on the level of, well, you're a terrible person and I'm going to try and find compassion for you anyway. Compassion operates on a more timeless level. It goes to the human in all of us. It's like, hey, we're all people here.

We're all struggling to get through this life subject to aging, illness, loss, death. We all have highs and lows, grumpy days and happy days. We're all mammals, helpless little children who need the care of a mother and a community. And so when we can start to see people on this level, it's not that we ignore or bypass the actions they've done, it's that we can see both at the same time.

Compassion gives us that entry point to like, oh, you're not actually a monster. The actions that may be coming out of you might be quite reprehensible. But the person, well, the person is just like all other persons.

And I actually find this practice of compassion for a difficult person a bit of an easier, for me, a more impactful entry point than loving kindness for a difficult person. kind of hits for me some more primal chord. And so it's essentially attuning to the suffering that this person experiences, wishing them to be free from that. I'm sure all of us have heard that line, something along the lines of people who are hurt then hurt others.

We really grapple with that. Oh, that's why these actions are coming out of you. I remember once I was an assistant special ed teacher in the public school system in Portland for a couple of years. And I was in a kindergarten to second grade room. So kids about ages four to seven, maybe 15 kids in the class or so. And it was a room for what the school called behaviorally challenged children who would cause too many disruptions in the main classroom.

So they put them all in their own room. And I was there for a couple weeks. And of course, these kids have very lovable moments and very challenging moments.

The latter could be really big temper tantrums, bursts of anger, throwing things, hitting people, taking things from others, unkind language, total refusal to participate in anything that was being asked of them. So it could be a lot. It could be a handful to spend a day like this. And one day, the teacher and I were chatting amidst a quiet moment and the room must have been playtime or something like that.

And she said, do you want to hear a little more about the kids? I said, yeah. And she went through one by one, pointed to all the kids and told me just a little overview. And every single children, child, it was something like, oh yeah, his mother died in infancy. Oh yeah, her father's in prison. Oh, over there, foster care. That kid, single mother, works two jobs, raised mostly by the 14-year-old sibling.

Oh, that one? Parents are drug addicts. We interface with the grandparents. It was like one by one, every single kid had some kind of story. And it reminded me of Brené Brown has this great line. She says, everyone has a story that will bring you to your knees. And we put on this facade in daily life and our culture really asks us to put on this mask of everything is okay and everything is good and I'm strong and I've got this.

And yet we all have a story that could bring someone to their knees. And so what really hit me in that room, I couldn't just see unruly children anymore. It felt more real. It's like, oh, these are hurting children, seeing that not from a place of pity or condescension, but a place of compassion. Well, the least I can do is be a stable presence for seven hours a day, just care for them.

And I also then reflect as like, oh, well, these same kids often are the ones that grow up to be the adults we really have a hard time with. An adult just doesn't wake up at 47 and suddenly be a really harmful person. It comes from somewhere. We all have some background, some conditions from which we emerged. One of my exes could be really mean to me at times and I didn't like it and no one likes it when someone is mean to them.

And I could get angry back sometimes and more often I would just kind of freeze and collapse and be like, why are you being so mean to me? Stop it. And sometimes I would get in that trance, but other times I could attune to the things I had learned. It's like, oh, well, you basically had workaholic parents who weren't there for you. There's no affection in the household.

Never saw your parents touch each other. A lot of yelling in your teen years, sexually assaulted by people who claim to be your friends. Grandparents, Holocaust survivors, just a lot of fear and anxiety. And so when I could attune to those things. It was like, oh yeah, like there is a legacy of hurt here. And when I can attune to that place or when I could, it'd just be, I'm so sorry, dear one.

I wish for you to be free from that legacy. I wish for you to be at peace. It's so hard being a person. I'm so sorry. Really what I'm getting at here is such a powerful entry point into compassion is the Buddhist teaching on karma, cause and effect. Like people don't become hurtful in a vacuum. They do it because of the various conditions that have shaped them.

Maybe multi-generational, maybe early life, maybe it's genetic, maybe social, cultural. So the way people act, it's not personal, it's conditions. It's not that they have a vendetta against you or people like you or some marginalized group. What's their conditioning. And the curious thing about this is you don't actually need to know the specifics of a person's story. My experience is it's enough to know that they have a story, like that they have a stream of conditioning that brought them to this moment.

And the more you understand about the nature of mind, you just know when someone's acting really hurtful, like, well, there's a cause behind this. Probably that they didn't choose. They didn't make some conscious choice at four years old. I'm going to be this really harmful person when I'm an adult. No, it just kind of happens out of conditioning. For those who've trained in nonviolent communication, another layer of this I've found to be really supportive is it's not just a historical conditioning, but an almost in-the-moment conditioning in that, well, there's this great quote from Marshall Rosenberg, the founder.

He says something like, every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, an expression of anger is a tragic expression of an unmet need. So we all have different needs. You could think of them as values or desires or things that nourish us. You know, things like safety, security, connection, ease, comfort, community, peace, play. And when these things aren't being fulfilled, at least some of the core ones, well, there's tragic expressions that follow out of those and unfortunately we don't live in a society that teaches us what we actually need so a lot of us don't know so we feel some lack of a need in this buddhist second noble truth craving just this perpetual force of dissatisfaction that's in us gets us to try to feel okay and it can be expressed tragically and so when i imagine those kids i worked with these unmet needs of stability, steady care in their home life, and my ex, a real need for connection, for security.

And these are just imaginings. And I'm not going to share these with them. I don't need to get it right. But if I can just use my imagination just to tune in to like, oh, this person has unmet needs. And as a result, there's some tragic expressions. Again, it's just meant to evoke this sense of care, understanding cause and effect, a means of compassion. Behavior isn't random.

It comes from somewhere. And all of this talk around cause and effect is in no way meant to condone harmful behavior. In no way it's meant to bypass what actually needs to be addressed. It's not even meant to be a means of reconciliation or forgiveness. Compassion can coexist with boundaries and firm action. But all of that takes a very different flavor when we stop seeing this other person is a monster and some evil, terrible person who's just wicked to the core.

We see that's just a bunch of societal lies. This is another human like you and me, and they've been hurt. This is another human subject to aging, illness, death, loss. And out of some stream of conditioning, some unmet needs, there's some tragic expressions coming out. And we can address those, and we can take precautions, and we can still see the person in them and have a deep well of care and compassion for that person.

And so likewise, this isn't to have compassion for difficult folks. We're not, it's really important to not do it from some place of superiority. Like I've got it figured out over here. I'm a really wholesome Buddhist who meditates every day. And woe is you, this, you know, it's, can we start from a place of equals? Like, hey, we're both doing this difficult thing of being a person.

You know, I have my up days and my down days. We're both mammals, both need care and support. And we can start from that place. The compassion hits so much deeper.

And ultimately, this compassion, it's for us. It's not a gift we bestow upon them. It will probably change the way we interact. But ultimately, it's a balm for our own heart. Like it doesn't feel good to have animosity towards someone when we just congeal around resentment and anger. Like if you actually look, it hurts, it's painful. And so can we soften our own heart? And importantly with this, we also want to keep some self-compassion front and center.

If you're really in the wound, tend to yourself first. Really spend some time, maybe days, months, years, tending to your own heart to find some bit of stability. And if you engage in a formal compassion practice for another person, if triggered feelings, angry feelings, despairing feelings, resentful feelings arise, will notice that part of you arising. Offer some care and compassion to that side of you, because that's real, and that matters, and that's painful.

It's difficult interfacing with folks we find challenging. So going into quiet here, if you want to bring to mind someone who's difficult today, you could just start with yourself for a little bit if that feels like a helpful launch point. But really, the practice is quite simple in the formal sense. You bring them to mind. You see them with kind eyes, take in their humanity. You understand we all have a story, conditioning.

Just offer these simple phrases. It's hard being a person. May you be free from suffering. May you be at peace. It's hard being a person. May you be free from suffering. May you be at peace.

We'll see you in a bit.